could have, should have, and never will
by Nameless-Anonymous-Author
Summary: Loves that were never meant to be (featuring Sakura, Tsunade, Konan, Temari, Ino, Hinata, Anko, and Tenten)


Disclaimer: Standard

Summary: Loves that were never meant to be featuring Sakura, Tsunade, Konan, Temari, Ino, Hinata, Anko, and Tenten

Note: Written in three hours all the way in the morning because the idea wouldn't let me sleep.

Thanks to: **Srylanna** (my awesome beta-reader like fo real go lavish praise on her cause this thing would suck if she didn't edit it)

* * *

_Sakura_

She wonders if there was always a woman involved, back to the very first brothers. She wonders if Mito Uzumaki, the first Hokage's wife, ever loved Madara Uchiha. She wonders if Mito Uzumaki ever regretted marrying the man she married.

Sakura knows she loves Naruto. She loves Naruto because he is her beating heart, the reason for air to keep entering her lungs, and the only thing keeping the blood flowing in her veins. He is her sun, so blindingly warm, and if he is gone, she will die. She did not always love Naruto, but she can no longer imagine a world without him.

Sakura also knows she loves Sasuke. She loves him but he is poison; sludge that slows her down and an acid that reduces her to a little girl, weak and in need of protecting. He is a chemical that brings agony into her heart and torments her mind with the restless nights. Sakura loves Sasuke and she hates herself for it.

Sometimes, in the middle of the night, when she hurts, hurts, hurts so badly she does not think she can hurt any worse, she thinks of what could have been.

She thinks that maybe Sasuke could have learned to love her back, that he could have saved some crevice of his small, twisted heart for her instead of it booking it full with Itachi and his clan. The kunoichi dreams that she could have healed him, could have used her power to soothe the raging scars and to calm the bleeding wounds. She could have fought away the demons that haunted his eyes.

She mourns the boy that was killed before she ever knew him; the Sasuke she did know, or at least she thought she did, that she could have helped so much more if she had trained properly. She wonders if she had supported him in a useful way, would have had at least considered her something less easy to discard when he had walked (ran, ran, ran) away?

Demons haunt her now, and she does not have as much love to spare as she once had. Sakura, despite her many follies, is not a fool. She knows Sasuke is a criminal wanted in all five villages, and she knows that, no matter how famous his teammates are, the only way he can repent for his crimes is death

And what about all those families Sasuke murdered? How many avengers had he created on his own path of vengeance? How many lives did he ruin as he spiralled down into his own demise?

Sakura can face all these things, but Naruto cannot. Naruto cannot believe anything but his promise to her (her greatest regret, always) and the obsession that is Sasuke.

Sasuke is acidic and disgusting, but somehow everyone ends up loving him.

Sakura cannot forgive him though. He has destroyed everyone and everything she has ever loved in her life, but she cannot forgive herself the most, because she was the one who let him.

Sakura knows the moment Sasuke grabs her throat and begins to choke her that there is no chance. That last flame of hope dies out with no chance of relighting as the pool of wax that is her love hardens in her heart. Sasuke will never love her back.

So she closes her eyes as she prepares to die. She doesn't open them even when Naruto saves her, because if she stares too closely at the blond she will be blinded by the heartbreaking hope and determination (neither of which she has anymore) that bursts forth from his very presence.

And she closes her eyes at the feeling that something is very wrong with Sasuke (-kun, kun, kun) and focuses on healing Naruto (who cannot die) as the war rages around her.

But she does not close her eyes as she watches her teammate (love, love, love) lose his head, even as Naruto screams beside her, raging in his righteousness and hopelessness. Her eyes are dry and sombre because she watches Sasuke and notices that the entire time his dead, black eyes stare solely at the blond to-be-Hokage.

Sakura wonders if even in the past, the woman was just for show.

* * *

_Tsunade_

Looking back, she thinks she has always known Jiraiya loved her. From their first meeting to their last, his devotion and desire had only steadily increased over the decades.

In her younger years, Tsunade did admit she had been oblivious. His actions were annoying and atypical for a boy his age and she would have never guessed he liked her for anything more than someone to annoy.

But he had been there when she had first broken her arm training, leaving a stupid piece of paper with nothing but "get better" scrawled on it with handwriting that made her wonder how he graduated and a stupid smiling frog at the bottom on the table next to her hospital bed. He hadn't bothered to sign it, but she knew.

He had been her punching bag when her brother died. He had allowed her to abuse him physically and mentally; he was there to force her to get ready for the day when she was too depressed to move despite her curses and her insults as she lashed out the hurt that wouldn't go away.

He had even encouraged her relationship with Dan. Now, she understands that it must have hurt him so; knowing the woman he loved was smiling and happy again not due to him, but another man. Another man held her and kissed her and made love to her. Yet, everyday he never even hinted at his jealousy because Dan kept her alive.

Dan died but Jiraiya was still there and she couldn't forgive him.

Then Orochimaru left and Tsunade couldn't stand even seeing him, a reminder of everything she had lost. She had always been the coward.

So she ran away hoping to leave her memories and the man that gave her everything without asking for anything behind. He didn't come after her, and for that she is forever grateful, because she would have only run further.

It wasn't until much, much, much later that Tsunade realized she loved Jiraiya too.

But love cannot heal everything and wounds left to fester too long are among them.

There could never be a love that would result in marriage or happiness between the two. There were too many bitter memories, unresolved hurts, and not enough appreciation on her part and too much love on his.

It could never have worked because they could not see each other without remembering silken black hair and betrayal or words of unbridled anger that could never be taken back. Too many skeletons had wormed their way between them, like a barrier that time had created and that nothing could break.

It would have been too strange, so she left it how it was. The careful dance they did to make sure the balance didn't break, but sometimes it was so difficult. They would make eye contact too long or an accidental touch would make the bittersweet desire rose up in her chest.

They hadn't survived for so long though thinking just in the short terms. One night of the greatest pleasure might be all she would ever have, and then never again. If she bit the fruit, she would be poisoned and it would die, so she was always careful to just appreciate it from a safe distance.

She did not know the name of what they had. It certainly wasn't' a romantic love, or even a friendship. Comradeship did not fit either. It was simply Tsunade and Jiraiya, two too old souls with too many things between them.

Maybe if things had been different when they were younger, it could have been possible, but Tsunade and Jiraiya had a bond forged by experience and loss. A bond that could never result in romance, and they both knew it.

She knows that he doesn't mind that she doesn't weep for days at his demise even if she can hear him jokingly complain so because she knows he never liked having her cry when he wasn't there to catch her tears.

* * *

_Konan_

Nagato was her God, and she was his Angel and Yahiko was the ghost that haunted them both.

She should have killed herself that night; that is something she believes with the strongest conviction. It is almost as strong as her faith in her God and his plans. If she had, Yahiko would still be alive and the world would be a better place.

Instead, she, a worthless kunoichi, is alive instead of him. She is determined not to let his sacrifice be wasted, and so devotes her entire life to making sure his dream, now Nagato's (not hers because she is not worthy) is brought forth into existance. The world will have peace even if it must rain blood first.

After Yahiko's death, she does not touch Nagato. It is not right. She only stands silently behind him, hidden by the shadows, always watching and waiting at his beck and call. She handles insurgents before they become too big and remind the people that there is only one God to worship. Her butterflies are everywhere at all times, searching for any plot or people who wish to hurt Nagato.

She is devoted to him with a ferocity that is unparalleled.

Most of the time she is able to contain her emotions; she locks them away and suppresses them until she forgets she has them. Most of the time.

There are times, when it is raining heavily like the time of Yahiko's death, and it is a rare occasion where she is alone on the base, that she wonders what barriers she has placed on herself.

She wonders what feelings she would find if she were to cross those lines. She wonders if love, small and beaten, hides there in the boxes of "do not touch" she has stored away in her heart.

Mayhap in another life, she could have figured it all out. Maybe she only loved Yahiko and so any attraction (if she had any) to Nagato was just because he was her last link to the boy (-man died too soon to tell) of her childhood. Maybe she would have ended up with Nagato anyways in a world where death didn't decide for her; didn't steal one of her boys away and lock the heart of the other.

Konan knows she will never cross the line. She will never argue nor question her God. All she can do is defend his dreams to the end.

So she doesn't voice her opinions on the Akatsuki, on Deidara the ninja who was too young to be there (there's no such thing as too young in her world), or Itachi who was much more than he seemed (why did he go after his brother rather than the Jinchūriki?).

She doesn't question Nagato's choice of Hidan, who isn't loyal enough for her tastes, or Kakuzu who would sell them out for money. She doesn't ask why he chooses Sasori or how he finds Zetsu. Not a word passes her lips when she sees Nagato make a deal with a man she instantly knew they should never have come in contact.

An Angel is not there to interpret her God or try to be equal; they should not even give support (gods are unbreakable and do not need it). They are to spread the word of their God, to enforce their will upon the world.

* * *

_Tenten_

She and Neji, of any "couple" in Konoha, had had the most potential. She could have become a jonin alongside him, perhaps even entering ANBU as well. They could have become famous for their synchronicity and devastating combos.

She even had a name for them, "Divine Duo"; she would provide the unstoppable offense with her weaponry and he would provide the impenetrable defence.

It was a dream that was very much in reach considering how hard they trained. They were at the training grounds from four in the morning to nine at night, no matter the weather: rain, sleet, snow, or baking heat. They were the ones that had to resist sneaking in a short training session while waiting for their food at a restaurant, and running seemed more natural than walking. They levelled forests with their spars, and first time watchers could not tell if they were allies or foes.

He did not accept weakness from her; and she strove to make sure he had none.

"They" had worked not because they had romantic feelings to one another but because they didn't. Their bond was of the deepest comradeship and respect; something earned and fought for, not spontaneously ignited like the passions of love.

If they were ever to love each other, it would be the type that would last forever simply because their loyalty to one another would overcome any obstacle, and their flaws and personality would already have been so natural to the other. They were like the missing piece of one another; she was silent and sturdy and a consistent support for Neji. On the other hand, Neji was her goal, her reason to push higher and become better. In time they would have become NejiandTenten or TentenandNeji; one identity.

It was common for their friends in the beginning to tease them with childish taunts and rhymes. They quickly learned that Tenten was more fearsome than Neji.

When Neji applied for the jonin exams, not many people knew that Tenten did as well. She failed horribly.

She returned lesser than she left, but found purpose in running after Neji. She consumed herself with striving for next year's exam so she didn'tshatter; Neji did not question her request to increase the intesity and duration of the training sessions nor did he ever emphasize the difference in their ranks. Tenten, more than ever, was grateful for his understanding.

That was how it was; until Neji died.

He died and Tenten felt very cold and very alone for the first time in four years. He had become a part of her and now she would have to adjust to live without him.

But she didn't cry or break down or become enraged like many expected. If Tenten had learnt one thing from Neji, it was that all she could afford in the heat of battle were calculations, not emotions. The war was to be won before she could mourn; or it could be lost and then there would be many more things to mourn than just Neji.

Later, when Hinata comes up to her, and apologizes over and over again for taking away Tenten's partner (in every sense but what one might expect), Tenten firmly stops the younger girl and suddenly it was Tenten comforting Hinata.

Tenten will survive a long time after Neji, eventually making her way into ANBU as head of the Suicide Corps. And sometimes on missions where she particularly enjoys the intensity of the battle, she will use Twin Rising Dragon (despite her developing much more efficient and powerful techniques) to honour the man that she should have loved.

* * *

_Anko_

If she was a devil, then he was the one to whom she had sold her soul. He, Orochimaru, with his hypnotizing golden eyes and his tongue skilled in sweet lies, made her only to break her.

It is no question that among Konoha she is the most terrifying of all the kunoichi because of her thin grip on sanity. In fact, one year she thinks they even did a poll. The few people not afraid of her include Ibiki (that man is not afraid of anything) and Lady Hokage.

She knows they are scared of when she will break, but they don't seem to understand that nothing can break her. At least not anymore, not after everything she's been through. No physical torture was worse than his training; no mental agony inflicted could compare to his betrayal.

Orochimaru had been her everything, quite literally. If he asked her to die for him, she would have done so without second thought; she would have mutilated herself to keep him happy. Hell, she would have borne his children despite having undergone puberty only recently. All of her was entirely at his command.

But he left her. He left her as though she was worthless; as though her all-consuming desire to please him wasn't enough to keep up with his never-ending thirst for power. He tossed everything she had given him aside and went off to search for better things.

He couldn't just leave her though. He had to brand her as his forever; she was not excluded from his possessiveness that he had showed to all his things. Many would think it an act of affection. She knew better.

She knew he just enjoyed the power; he thrived off knowing that every time it ached she would think of him, and that everyone who saw it would know she was his.

Yet that isn't the worse mark he leaves, it's the on her mind. Somewhere in that unhinged mind of hers some part (not that deep) loved him. It was a dirty, polluted love that abusive relationships came from, unhealthy in every sense and it was more deadly than the toxins of the snakes she summoned (his summons once).

It was a love that persisted over eleven years even when she attempted daily to stifle it. It reaches its peak when she sees him briefly at the chunnin exams. A lovers' double suicide, she thinks, what a perfect way to kill that bastard.

Alas, he gets away, but he has left her with an unhealthy solution to the problem that is her love. If she cannot stop herself from loving him, she was going show her love through repeated attempts on his life until that bastard finally keeled over and died.

Unfortunately he does kick the bucket, but not at her hands and she is left with this unsatisfied (hate)love(hate) that continues to throb under her skin, which leads to her scratching at her skin as if she could scratch deep enough and release the damn emotion.

She doesn't register the pain as blood escapes through the deep scratches, and eventually it becomes second nature to her. It also beomes another thing she is feared for (always scratching her arms, what kind of freak is she?). She doesn't bother with rumours muchthough because if they pissed her off enough she could just send them to the hospital or something.

_Scratch._

_Scratch._

_Scratch._

In the aftermath of the war they forget about her, incapacitated in that dark, damp cave. She's left behind, discarded, again.

But maybe it's for the better because the monster she hates (oh but she loves him as well) is out there.

And as long as they were both alive (well reanimated in his case), Anko will try to hunt him down because there is no other way to end their relationship but in permanent death.

* * *

_Ino_

When she was born, the other heads of the clans in the Ino-Shika-Trio were not happy. A girl will screw everything up, they argued. But the Ino-Shika-Cho trio was inevitably formed, even if it was the first mixed gender in history.

She didn't understand it then, just because she was a girl didn't mean she was weak (after watching how submissive and docile the clan heads were when faced with their wives, she decided that men were the weak ones).

She didn't realize it until she overheard her father, Uncle Shikaku, and Uncle Choza talking.

"They can never fall in love. If the two clans mixed there won't be an Ino-Shika-Cho trio anymore and it screws everything up."

"I doubt my daughter would love your lazy son anyway, Shikaku."

Her heart pounds in her ears because she has never liked the feeling of restrictions or limitations and because she has already fallen in love with one of her teammates.

She cries for a long time, and then she goes to work and sees her best friend with eyes dark with loss and lack of sleep and a shoulder slouch so heavy like the world is weighing down on her and Ino cries again. She cries because her best friend can no longer, and because her love is doomed as well.

Yet, she is the epitome of a kunoichi, more so than any other female ninja in Konoha. She has mastered the art of pretending and crafting fake emotions, fake masks, and fake smiles. Ino is an expert at hiding her heart and reading others.

If Ino does not want somebody to know a secret, it will remain hidden forever. If she desires to find out one, then not even the strongest of minds can lock her out.

So she laughs and scolds and screeches and bosses her teammates around at the daily training sessions and the one she loves never suspects a thing.

For a while, she feels guilty because her life is not so bad compared to others. Her lover is not dead (just far out of reach) and she still has her family (for now).

Then the war comes (then the war comes).

She's fighting in a way she has never fought before, with so much desperation, and everything is happening so rapidly that she never seems fast enough with her jutsus and she only barely escapes death time and time again.

She's killing, tearing through minds with speed dangerous for even a master Yamanaka, but all she can think is to protect her teammates.

Even if it is against her sensei.

There are no tears as he leaves them for a second time because he was an enemy and Ino has always been good at looking at the objective – keeping her precious ones alive. Even as she listens to her father for the last time, she's watching for kunai out of the corner of her eyes. Even as she hears his last breath, she's calculating how quickly it will take Shikamaru to catch her if she leaves her body right now.

It isn't until a certain point in the battle when she finally understands that fateful conversation months ago. She is healing a fallen comrade with one hand and fending off an enemy with the other. Bracing herself for a blow she can't dodge, the enemy stops suddenly. Shikamaru's shadow has saved her just in time. Choji then takes out another four that were about to attack Shikamaru, who had strained his shadow just so he could reach her.

She understands at that moment, facing her strength that turns to weakness without her teammates. There must always be a trio because not one ninja can control shadows and walk minds or turn supersize and attack while shattering mental states. She would be condemning her child and its sole partner to their deaths because of her selfishness.

So there are only (fake) smiles from her when she attends her teammates' weddings. She congratulates them and their respective brides while standing next to her husband.

She never becomes a housewife, and the last time she cries, it is out of joy because all three children are boys.

* * *

_Temari_

The desert made her into a monster. The entire Sabaku family was composed of monsters: her father, her mother, her brothers, and herself.

How could they not be? Survival required only the strongest and the most ruthless, the ones most willing to get bloody the fastest. The Sabaku were made to rule Suna.

She was its Princess. She had the desert's bright yellow in her blond hair and its rare green in her eyes. She was tan from hours in the sun with hardened muscles under her scarred skin. She was beautiful, just like a traditional princess.

But she was also deadly. She could imitate the desert's devastating winds with her massive fans and conjure up dust storms of incredible magnitude. She was the second strongest ninja in Suna, the Kazekage's right hand. Intimidating and fearsome, her wit and intelligence was as dry and blistering as her homeland. If you could not keep up, she would wipe you out.

Except what is a Princess without her Prince?

Except Temari didn't need one. Hell, she didn't even want one.

Temari had never truly loved anything in her life. Her mother had been taken from her so early Temari hadn't formed any real bonds, and her father...she doubted he knew what love was.

She loved Kankuro to some sense but not nearly as much as one might imagine. He was a burden – someone she had to look out for, someone to drag her down or cost her a clean victory. He was also proof that she wasn't enough for her father because despite being perfect at everything from a young age, she was still a girl, and girl's weren't enough.

Gaara was unlovable, she had stoutly believed for a very long time. He was a monster to make other monsters fear, a demon that was better off dead. But over time, things changed and animosity changed to pride at her smallest brother. Still, fear springs up unconsciously every time she looks at him. She doesn't attempt to dismiss it; this fear is what will keep her alive.

She had no time for courting or romance with those in her village or even Konoha. She had resigned herself to marrying for political reasons only because she was a kunoichi of her village first and foremost.

What she never expects is to fall in love on a mission. A seduction mission, none the less.

She marries the target for seven years, giving birth to three perfectly normal civilian children. She tends the garden and sells fans for a living. She settles into a life where she doesn't have to watch her back constantly and she is the protected, not protector.

He is a good man, a perfect husband, and the best father. He has a kind voice and and never raises a hand to her. He has a calm, even temperament that cools fiery, sarcastic one she has. He matches her in intelligence and loves to surprise her with small gifts she finds practical and beautiful.

Yet he is also an enemy of Suna; the supposed leader of a group of rebels that are preparing to conquer Suna starting from the outskirts. Temari never forgets her loyalties and keeps careful track of her husband's movements. A wife gets to know her spouse after seven years to know when he is anticipating something large.

She also keeps up her training, despite obvious restrictions. If an enemy nin attacks her family, she wanted the confidence that she could take him as easily as she used to.

She loves her husband more than she had ever loved anyone else (perhaps she only loves her children more).

That does not save him when the orders come.

Monster, he screams as he watches his, their, children die before him.

Temari agrees as she slits his throat.

* * *

_Hinata_

Naruto Uzumaki asks her to marry him exactly three years, four months, and sixteen days after the war ends.

She refuses.

It comes of great shock to all of Konoha, she had proclaimed her love quite publicly to him and had thrown herself as a sacrifice to protect him heedlessly several times. Hers near obsession with him had all of Konoha assured she would accept.

Still, when he asked again a week later, she refused as well.

Konoha was in an uproar with all the gossipers savagely tearing into the new topic. Perhaps she had another lover. Maybe she was pregnant with another man's baby. Maybe she had only used him to gain power.

Hinata ignores all that. She knows the reason why and locks it tight in her heart.

There is nothing more in this world that she wants to marry Naruto and carry out a family and life with him. She wants to create little babies and watch them grow up and she wouldn't even mind staying at home full time.

There is one gigantic problem: her clan.

Since she had become head and Hanabi co-head, there have been many progressive changes. But the elders are incredibly stubborn and refuse to let go of their power even as they wither away. They are not so easy to give up tradition and they still hold a lot of sway.

It is a slow, uphill battle she fights to end the Branch house and destroy the seal. Many things she must do underhand, which employs the use of Hanabi.

One day the scroll with the most intimate details of the Branch seal is gone. All it copies hidden by the elders are somehow burned as well.

Of course some elders have still memorized it, but it seems that they have forgotten steps and the seal cannot be completed. Hinata does not question when a Yamanaka suddenly appears among Hanabi's squad.

If Neji were still alive, he would represent the Branch Clan, but he is not so Hinata must work with a distant cousin. He is not what she would call timid but when she finally manages to secure him a spot in the most important councils because Branch members needed representation, he does not make a sound. Over the time, the intimidation lessens but not much. He was born and raised much like Neji and all he knows is that the elders are to be respected with absolute obedience.

Hinata and Hanabi are clawing their way to a better Hyuga Clan, but they know it will not be finished in their generation, and so every step they take now prepares for the future. Even if they commit the worst offenses (just a little bit of that new poison into that elder's tea every day, slowly, slowly so it will look natural), even if they must use their training against their own clan members, they will make the sacrifice.

Even if it means never being able to be happy.

Hinata cannot marry Naruto because he will cause her to lose her war.

The elders will sink their filthy, putrid claws into him because he is her weakness; they will use him and his position as Hokage to sustain their own power even longer. They will mock and belittle him, and she would have to bear through it. Her war is a delicate one, and every outburst is ten steps back.

She cannot afford direct confrontations or insults and her desire to protect Naruto would drive her to do so.

So she breaks her own heart, and she knows she breaks his when she turns away the only thing she has ever wanted because she is now a leader and a leader must make the greatest sacrifices.

* * *

**Which one do you think was the most angsty? **


End file.
